cue the john mayer song…

I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but wasn’t sure how to put into words what I’ve been experiencing and where my mind has been. Every day is different. A few days ago I was sad. Then the next, discontent. Yesterday I wasn’t sure how I was feeling. And today, I’m peaceful. I must admit that my mind is all over the place (in part because of the coffee I normally don’t drink). So you must forgive me, if this post is all over the place.

I stumbled upon a beautiful quote today by E.E. Cummings: “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” I paused to ponder its significance for a bit. I catch myself trying to be something I feel that others want me to be still. My shape is constantly morphing, yet I try to fit myself into a minuscule square box, unable to breathe. I tend to gravitate to folks who are quirky and very simply themselves. And they make me want to be my quirky and oddball self too! It’s much more peaceful and takes way less energy.

Perhaps it’s one of the reasons I don’t blog much. I worry too much how others will perceive my words. I worry too much about offending someone. I worry too much about being criticized. Because sharing pieces of my world and what goes on in this crazy head of mine, is vulnerable. I even worry about being judged for incorrect grammar. And all of this worry builds up into anxiety and then I’m able to convince myself not to say anything at all. Not only on this blog, but to people around me. I stop myself from saying how I really feel at times, in fear of how I’ll be judged. I stop myself from making connections with people, in fear that I’m unwanted and unworthy. I stop myself from fully being myself, in fear of…well, all of the above. And it’s so debilitating. And I’m pretty much done with it.

I wonder how many others feel the same way. Most everyone, probably. There’s so much fear in this world and we give it so much control. Fear itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But when we give it the power to affect our lives in a negative way, we’re doing ourselves a huge disservice. I’ve always wanted to connect with people. People from all over the world, from all cultures, genders, races, religions, beliefs, ect. I love people and I love connecting and sharing thoughts and experiences. I love helping, which is especially why I love my new job (I’m working with children who have been through crazy and horrible things in their lives, in hopes that I can have some kind of positive effect on them. And also to show them love and that they’re worthy of big and beautiful things in life). And yet, in the midst of all of this, I let fear take hold of me and stop me from forming connections. It’s all a conundrum.

Life is hard and confusing and dynamic and crazy. Crazy and beautiful. And I love it. I love it all. And this gives me reason enough to go out and be me- the real me. To walk with fear, but not let it reign over me. To blog. To sing out loud, in public. To dance. To laugh, even when it’s raining. To be quirky. And to love.

I’ve probably already written a post very similar to this. But a lot of times, it takes people a bit to learn something; for a life lesson to really sink in and change things. And that’s okay. Because life isn’t meant to be perfect.