As I was journaling this morning, the wonderful sentence in the title went through my mind. It hit me that I still struggle to feel worthy of love and friendship. I seek attention from others in order to feel good about myself. And if I don’t get the attention I crave, then I feel horrible and unloved. And it makes completely no sense!
As I peel back the layers of myself in order to know myself better and heal, I’m always amazed by how much I blame outside sources on my pain. I’m constantly finding that the true source of my different issues always derive from something lacking in myself. The ironic thing about that is, I wouldn’t learn the things I learn, without the involvement of those around me. Each and every person who come into our lives have the gift of teaching us, especially the ones who hurt us. This fact really hit me hard today, when I realized that a recent struggle with a friend and some family, brought me to the latest lessons I’ve learned. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me to continually grow and evolve.
I tend to be an introvert. I genuinely love having my own space and time to myself. I also tend to keep a certain amount of distance between other people and myself. I can be the greatest friend you could ever have, on one hand and the worst friend you could ever have, on another. I’m really just a mess. I say the worst friend, because I’ve been known to disappear. If I think someone is getting too close, I become Houdini and escape unfound. But also like an act Houdini was known for, I’m burying myself alive. The older I get, the more I’m seeing the importance of relationships. I wouldn’t be who I am right now, without other people’s influence. Yes, I like to be by myself, but I’m learning that there has to be balance. In the past, I would hold people at a distance in a form of self-defense. If they weren’t too close, they couldn’t hurt me, right? But by doing this, I hurt myself more.
In other words, I seek attention from others in order in validate my self-worth, yet I keep people at a distance and push them away if they get too close. And people wonder why I’m still single… 😉
I still have issues that need to be addressed and fixed. I’m learning to be forgiving and patient with myself though. I’m constantly going through lesson after lesson. And after each lesson, is test upon test. It’s like the universe doesn’t yet believe I’ve learned and is throwing things in my way to prove itself right (or perhaps, prove itself wrong). And during some tests, I find myself reverting back to old behavior. Usually when this happens, I tell myself I’m still the fucked up girl I’ve always been. And I think I’ll never heal. As if the more I try to heal, the more I discover how broken I really am. So then, what’s the point?
And then I tell myself to breathe. That it’s okay to fall, so long as I continue to get back up and trudge forward.
My latest lesson has taught me that it’s a waste of time to seek validation and approval from outside sources. I realize that I’m blind to the love that the world has to offer me, if I’m not first, loving myself. I understand the importance of having healthy and balanced relationships with other people and how selfish it is to keep others at a distance. I’m not perfect. I don’t always say the right thing or do the right thing. I often get off track and need the same lesson thrown at me a dozen times before I grasp what I’m suppose to learn from it. I’m learning, albeit, a little slower than I wish at times, but I’m learning all the same.
“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.” –Henri Frederic Amiel